


The long journey

by Araglas



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: A little angst, M/M, feeling of betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:18:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5401019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Araglas/pseuds/Araglas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DA reversed Big Bang story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story containts some Flashbacks which are not in their chronological order. So to know what happenes in which order I made a fixpoint (the day the chantry blows up) and counted from there. At the beginning from each flashback stands a shortcuts. for example  
> 1y6 b.ch.b.u. means 1 year 6 months before chantry blows up

"So it begins", Meredith stated icily, "I must gather my forces at the Gallows - meet me there as soon as you can Champion. I'll leave this... murderer for you to deal with. He's your companion. Do as you see fit."

 

Hawke nodded to her as she left, turning to Anders who sat motionless on a crate, his back to the other mage.

 

Anders seemed to sense his approach. "There is nothing you can say that I haven't said to myself. I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever to achieve this. This is the justice all mages awaited."

 

"Did the spirit tell you to do this?" Asked Hawke, attempting to give Anders a loophole. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt any of his companions after all.

Hawke still couldn't process what had happened. Couldn’t accept that this was really Anders’ doing, that he himself had helped to blow up the chantry.... But small glimmer of hope he had had was crushed by Anders next words.

 

"No. When we merged he ceased to be. We are one now. I can no more ignore the injustice of the circle than he could. The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending that the circles are a solution." Anders’ voice was cold, so devoid of emotion that it hurt to hear it.

 

"So it's up to you to decide how things should be?" Hawke's voice trembled slightly in disbelief.

"It's obvious how things shouldn't be. And if I pay for that with my life... then I pay. Perhaps then justice would at least be free."

 

Hawke sighed and turned to his other companions. He would not decide this on his own.

 

"Opinions?"

 

Sebastian’s raged filled voice was first. "If I'd been in that chantry today, would you wailing? You know what must be done!"

 

"Bold plan. Well I thought so." The pirate stated next, not really being of any help at all.

 

Aveline's voice sounded strained. "Belief is no excuse. Sincerity does not justify this." As always, she demonstrated nothing except strength, but those who knew her could see that this wasn't easy for her.

 

"I think I'm sick of mages and templars" Varric spat in disgust, aonce again not being of any help insofar as the decision that Hawke had to make in respect to Anders.

 

~~~~

After the threat of the mages was resolved, Fenris stood a apart of the others. The warrior still felt the buzz of magic leftover from the fight in his markings, still tasted the metallic taste of it at the back of his tongue. He couldn't believe what just had happened. Or rather he couldn't believe that Anders hadn’t told him what he had planned. After all they had been a couple for one and a half years now...

 

Somehow Fenris' thoughts wandered to their first touch… the first that wasn't meant to hurt. It was after Anders took care of him while he had the flu.

 

The warrior hadn't wanted to the help, but the Mage had been patient and came by every day with soup, potions or salves to help the headaches and take care of him regardless.

First the blonde left as soon as he had made sure that Fenris took everything he had brought, but later, after Fenris settled in with the routine, Anders stayed longer.

 

(2y2 b.ch.b.u.)

 

_The warrior was finally back to full health. Anders had come one last time to check up on him, to make sure he was fully healthy. When once the Healers presence felt natural, it now felt...strained, awkward._

_"I just wanted to check, if everything is alright..."_

_"It is"_

_"That's good... uh... yeah stay healthy, yes? Okay I... will just go now..." Anders fidgeted a little, brushing away a non-existent mote from his robe and turned to leave._

_"Mage?" Fenris took a step closer at the exact moment that the healer turned back around, standing now in his personal space. "You look tired. Stay a while."_

_Without thinking he had reached out to touch Anders' shoulder, but when the mage's gaze shot to his hand, he hastily removed it. Fenris' eyebrows went up in surprise, when Anders’ own hand shot forward, caught his hand and entwined their fingers. Judging from Anders’ facial expression, the healer was also surprised at his own actions. Fenris squeezed Anders’ hand gently to reassure him, glad that he wasn’t wearing his gauntlets._

_A small smile appeared on Anders' lips "I would like to stay"_

 

Gradually, little by little, they began to trust each other...care for each other. It was nearly one and a half years ago that they had decided to give a romantic relationship a try.

 

Without the spite, their arguments turned into normal (if sometimes heated) discussions. But being intimate with each other helped them to understand each other, to learn to see things with from the others point of view. Fenris now believed that Anders might be right, mages deserved to be free. But they also agreed, that when the magic first manifests, the children needed to be separated from the rest and be schooled by older mages in order to learn to control their magic. AND, most importantly, that the parents should be able to visit them. They further agreed that as soon as the young mages learned to control themselves and learned their specialities they should be free to go where ever they wanted.

 

This is why Fenris couldn't understand what had just had happened. Why would Anders destroy everything he had fought for? and why would the healer destroy what they had? Why would he betray Fenris?

 

The Warrior had noticed that Anders had been behaving a little strange these days, but he had thought it was because Anders wanted to separate himself from Justice. He’d been wrong. Now Fenris knew that Anders had lied to him, and that hurt so much more than Fenris would have believed possible. Still, with the hurt also came burning fury and that was an emotion that Fenris greeted like an old friend. Fury he could comprehend. Fury he could handle.

 

~~~~

 

Merrill watched Anders for a moment, thinking about what to say: "He should come with us. Do what he can to put things right. "

 

"And fight side by side with templars? That's insane! I would rather die than do that!"

 

It was the anger in Anders‘ voice that brought Fenris back to there here and now, hate filling his entire being as he snapped.

 

“I will show you why Mages are feared' " he snarled with disgust "is this not your battle cry? Because that is exactly what you just have done, fool mage! Do you not see what you have done? You have thrown every mage into war! Do you think the templars will stop when it comes to the untrained children? To the Tranquil? To the weak you wanted to protect? They will all die. And what about the innocent non magical people? They will be caught in the crossfire! There is no way for the mages to win this. Even if they eliminate every last templar all non magic people will fear them. You pathetic fool doomed all of your kind!"

 

"Better they die in the war for freedom than as no better than a slave in the Circle. You of all people should understand this!"

 

"And it is up to you to decide how they should die? Congratulations, you are just as bad as the templars. You...." Fenris shook his head in disbelief. "You know what? You are dead to me. You destroyed _everything_. Not only the future of the mages but also ours."

 

Anders opened his mouth and shut it, then opened it again just to shut it once more, shaken by his own rage. He even glowed slightly, but his eyes were still honey coloured.

 

"So... your vote is for killing him?" Hawke turned at Fenris, an eyebrow raised. He paused in surprise when Fenris actually nodded at him. He turned back to Anders, drawing his dagger and stepped close. Anders was just staring at him, deflating again ready to surrender his fate.

 

With his fade step Fenris was next to Hawke, holding his dagger hand at the wrist. "Stop." He stared at Anders. "Go. It is my fate to kill you and I will, if I ever see you again. GO!" He screamed the last word with all his hate, his hurt, his fury, his despair.

 

Anders swallowed visibly, before he turned and started running.

 

Fenris felt his heart break, but he turned around his face blank of every emotion other than his want to kill. "Let us get this mess cleaned up."

 

~~~

 

A fight this big without a healer was more than just a bit messy. Hawke knew a little about healing magic but he was no spirit healer. So it was a small miracle that none of their party were mortally wounded.

After order was restored, Hawke made certain that no mage was killed who surrendered and stopped countless assaults on those mages from the templars. Every one of his companions went back to their homes and treated their wounds.

 

Fenris stayed for four weeks to recover properly from several nasty injuries, long enough to see Hawke become the new vicomte.

 

The surviving mages were brought back to the circle. But not before Hawke came to and understanding with Cullen that they were treated much better than before. When Fenris was sure that Hawke had everything under control, he decided that his time with the former champion (now the new vicomte) was over.

 

Everything here reminded him of Anders. He could not stay. So, he bid his goodbye to everyone, promised to keep in touch through letters and took his leave.


	2. Chapter 2

After so many years in Kirkwall it was strange to be on the road again. After a few weeks of aimless wandering he finally realised that indeed Kirkwall _had_ been his home. Fenris shook his head. _~When I was there I never thought of it like that, so why is it that I do now?~_ Feeling homesick was new to him.

 

His hate for Anders was familiar, a feeling he knew well from a time before they were together.Whilst hunting down slavers Fenris never thought much about Anders, feeling only the thrill of the blood lust. But when silence fell at night, and his thoughts began to wander, he tried to quench every feeling of missing him by recalling their biggest arguments and reliving the memory of his betrayal. It was easier this way. The warrior could handle hate… but the feel of his heart full of hurt and missing Anders’ loving touches… these were emotions that he did not know how to deal with.

 

~~

 

Two months later Fenris stayed at an Inn at Ostwick for one week. After having camped so long in the field it felt nice to finally sleep in a warm bed again. It was late autumn and the days were colder and the nights sometimes near freezing.

Fenris had just come back from shopping when the host of the Inn waved at him. "Serah Fenris a letter arrived for you." the elf was by his side quickly. He took the letter and handed the host a copper.

"Thank you." He nodded and made his way up to his room. The warrior put away his shopping then made himself comfortable in a chair with a glass of cheap wine. He took a few sips, enjoying the warm feeling as the liquid trickled down his throat. Finally, he reached for the letter and opened it.

 

**Hey Broody,**

**You really give an old dwarf a hard time trying to reach out to you. Always on the road, never an address to send you letters to.**

**I hope you are well. According to my information, you are a true slave hunters nightmare but I didn't expect anything less from you.**

**I think Hawke has now settled in as vicomte, the people of Kirkwall trust him but he has much to do. There are so many repairs that need to be done and there are so many families who lost their homes.**

**Cullen is now officially knight commander. He has placed most of the mages under house arrest. The only exceptions are those with healing abilities. They go, heavily guarded, to the people who need to be healed. After all the fighting the civilians fear them but the idea is, that with the help of the mages the fear will slowly disappear.**

**Hawke isn't too fond of the idea of house arrest after all that happened in the circle, but he understands that it is necessary.**

**Red is not very thrilled that her new boss is now Hawke, but since he asks her sometimes for advice I think it will settle.**

**Rivaini got a ship from Hawke as long as she would make some trading errants for him for at least one year. She is now sailing again.**

**Daisy lives still in the alienage trying to help her fellow elves there.**

**We all still meet once a week for wicked grace or diamondback though. But without you, Rivaini and even Blondey it's not the same.**

**Speaking of Blondey, it seems like he finally learned to take cover. No one of my informants knows where he is now.**

**Stay safe.**

**V.T.**

 

 

Fenris smiled a little. It was nice to hear how things were back at Kirkwall and that he was missed. Somewhat surprised, he noted that he missed them too. Even Merrill, however he knew that it was only because he did not have her around.

Fondly, the warrior read the letter again, enjoying his glass of wine.

Later that evening he decided to write back.

 

**Hello dwarf,**

**I am quite deadly so do not worry about my well-being. To make your life easier, I think I will head towards Antiva. After all this time I desire a rather warm climate.**

**I am sure Hawke has everything under control. He always managed to do so.**

**Greetings to all.**

**Fenris**

 

He stared at his handwriting. It was nothing compared to Varric's neat one. But on the other hand he had learned to write much later in life than the dwarf had. Fenris sighed and folded the letter. _~He will be able to read it, at least.~_

 

~~~

 

A little more than a year had passed since Fenris had left Kirkwall and for nearly six months he lived in Antiva. At the moment he was in Seleny.

 

Besides killing slavers he offered his services as a sword for hire to get some income for living expenses. (Since nobody paid for dead slavers and they didn't always have much money on their corpses it was not the best way to make a living.)

 

His last job had led him into the city. He‘d been hired to escort one of the many Antivian nobles there. Two and a half weeks of constant complaining had meant that the warrior had been looking forward to each and every battle so as not to vent his anger at his client. Therefore, Fenris was more than happy when the job was completed, which is why he allowed himself the luxury of a good room in an Inn.

 

Fenris wasn't too surprised that, after only staying for three days, he received a letter from Varric. The warrior wasn't quite sure if it should concern him how easily the dwarf could track him down. Every time the elf stayed a few days in the same city he found a new letter from Varric who kept him informed of what was happening in Kirkwall.

He decided to eat first before reading the new letter.

 

**Hey Broody,**

**How are you? Here nothing ever changes, it continues to be the same as always.**

**Hawke is gradually growing restless. He dislikes not being able to go on adventures anymore and being "trapped in this damn throne room". But so far he had only caused a minor scandal, so everything is allright for now.**

**There are rumors about unrest in the circle. Also, there is a rumor about an apostate gathering more apostates around him close to the border from Ferelden to Nevarra. Could possibly be Blondey....**

**I wonder if you still want to kill him? Hawke has forgiven him for his actions but he is still angry and hurt, how Blondey had involved us with his lies instead of being honest...**

**Choirboy finally got his throne back. Took him longer than he expected, I think. And I'm pretty sure that he still wants to kill Blondey...**

**Anyways stay safe.**

**V.T.**

 

 _~I wonder if you still want to kill him?~_ There had been a time only Fenris' loyalty to Hawke had kept him from killing the abomination. He had been everything the elf had hated and even worse, he had been everything Fenris feared. But their leader had adopted Anders like a stray dog, so all he could do was argue with the apostate and he had done so fiercely.

Untill Hawke finally had enough.

 

(3y0 b.ch.b.u.)

 

_"... and that's exactly why mages should be free!" Anders gesticulated wildly whilst walking._

_"If you really believe that, then you are as naive as the blood mage! Mages can not be trusted to have that much power. They will certainly misuse it!"_

_"And yet you follow a mage right this very instant and do everything he says!"_

_Fenris glanced forward at the broad back of their leader who walked silently in front of them._

_"Hawke is one of a kind, after everything he went through he never resorted to blood magic or said yes to a demon. The only mage I have ever known with that willpower." He looked disdainfully at Anders._

_The blonde bristled. "Justice is no demon! And surely there are more mages like Hawke."_

_"Maybe a few, but most of them will be like you, like the blood mage, like Danarius!"_

_"Take that back!" Anders turned around and grabbed Fenris by the collar. "I'm nothing like that scum!" The skin on his hands started to crack, but his furious eyes stayed golden._

_Fenris' markings came flaring to life. "Do not dare to touch me, abomination! Let me go or I will end your pathetic life!" His left hand had also grabbed Anders' collar whilst his right glowing blue hand hovered threateningly in front of the face of the mage._

_"E-NOUGH!" Hawke turned back to his companions. A mindblast sent them stumbling back. "All I hear of you two since I met you is; mage rights here, mages are monsters there and I have had enough! You are both right and both wrong and if I hear you argue ONE MORE TIME then as the Maker is my witness, I will give you" He turned to Anders, pointing his finger at him "wrapped like a gift to the next templar I see" He turned to Fenris, now_ _pointing at him "And I will hand out you to the next henchman of Danarius! Understood?"_

_Both of them had ducked away and nodded._

_"I asked, do you UNDERSTAND?"_

_"Yes" - "Understood" they answered simultaneously. It was difficult for Fenris to fight the urge to throw himself to the ground and plea for forgiveness._ ~I'm not a slave anymore and Hawke is not my master!~

_After Hawke turned and walked away, Anders and Fenris looked at each other and nodded their truce._

 

At first it was not easy to not pick a fight with Anders anymore, but after a while Fenris realised that he had been tired of arguing quite some time already and he only did it out of habit. But after Hawke's threat they finally made peace.

 

 _~Close to the border of Nevarra~_ He scratched his chin, and then he shook his head. Fenris still hadn't stopped to nurse his anger and hate towards his former lover.

 

~~~~

 

A few months later, after some unpleasant clashes with the Crows - he really hated theway they recruited -, the warrior decided to leave Antiva behind. The Crows were a too big organisation to fight against. Especially since their recruits were mostly orphans or were sold by their own parents and Fenris couldn't do much for the children after rescuing them, so he decided that it wasn't his fight. Instead, he returned to kill slavers whilst roaming through the Free Marches.

 

He camped in a Forrest near to Ansburg. It was already dark, a fire burned in front of him. Fenris shivered slightly, he reached into his bag to pull out a blanked, when two books fell out of it. After placing the blanket around himself, Fenris picked up the bigger, older and more expensive book. He fondly stroked the title, thinking of Hawke who had gifted it to him. It was his first gift ever so it meant much to him, even when the elf had to admit, that he couldn't read it at first. He still remembered the warm feeling when Hawke didn't made fun of him as he’d expected, but instead offered him to teach him how to read. Fenris still hadn't read it because the language used was quite complicated since it was very old. Still, he valued it very much.

Again he stroked it fondly before putting it back in the bag.

Next the warrior picked up the smaller, more well used book. His gaze was sad but still fond. A third of the way in, the book had a bookmark, but it wasn’t Fenris that had read that far. The bookmark showed where he and Anders had stopped reading, just two nights before Anders had blown up the Chantry.

Fenris sighed sadly when the memory of how all this began, rose...

 

(2y0 b.ch.b.u.)

 

_After Fenris had asked Anders to stay after the flu incident, they reached an agreement that Anders would come to the mansion on some days to take a break from his obligations. Since talking too much still risked them quarreling, they were silent for the most part. With the permission of the warrior, the healer looked around the mansion and found a library. So whilst Fenris busied himself with sharpening his sword, repairing his armor, practice sword fighting or just sat and drank wine, Anders read most of the time sitting next to the fireplace._

_One day, Fenris was busy sharpening his sword, Anders suddenly started to read out loud. The warrior’s ears twitched slightly. His hands stopped working and he threw a bewildered gaze at the mage, before he continued to work in silence. They had somehow nonverbaly agreed to not question what the other does._

_After a while, Anders voice sounded rough and he cleared his throat often, so Fenris gave his blade one last stroke with the whetstone and put his sword away. He stood and left the room. A few minutes later he brought a cup of water._

_Anders looked up and took the offered cup with a smile. "Thank you."_

_The elf just nodded._

_The healer read a few more pages of the collection of fairy tales of the free marches, before it was time to go back to his clinic. "Good bye Fenris."_

_"Stay safe." The Warrior watched Anders leaving, then his gaze wandered to the book that was left behind_. ~Why does he read for me?~ _He frowned._ ~And why does the library contain fairy tales?~

 

_Several days later Anders came back to the mansion, he picked up the same book and started to read the next story out loud once again._

_Again the warrior was rather puzzled. He watched the human for a moment, before leaving the room. He came back with a cup and a flask of water. He placed both within_ _reach of the mage. Fenris then started to make a bit of space so he could practice his sword fighting moves in this room instead of his foyer where he usually trained._

_The third time Anders started reading to him, Fenris wasn't surprised anymore and by the forth time, he sat near to the mage, enjoying his wine and listening how Anders tried to give every character in the story their own unique voice. Now and then a little smile found its place on the lips of the elf. It was nice to see how the mage got into the story and played his role as narrator._

_By the seventh reading session, Anders had found a new childrens book, Fenris even dared to sit next to Anders and look at the pages._

_Instinctively, Anders read slower and started to use one finger to follow the words he read, so that Fenris could read along silently. The elf had had some reading lessons with Hawke where he had learned the alphabet and some slow reading, but pronouncing the words correctly was still a big problem for him. It didn't really help that Fenris couldn’t quite learn alone and Hawke was a really busy man so he didn't want to bother him. Now to have Anders read the words out loud for him whilst he could see the words as they were spoken was nice._

 

_Four months passed since Anders had started to read out loud. When they sat together this time, the mage pointed at a small paragraph. "Could you read this for me? I'm a bit tired."_

_Fenris gave him a side glance, then he stared at the paragraph, reading it first silently before he tried to read it loud. It was slow but after listening to the healer so much and reading it along, it wasn't as hard to figure how the words were pronounced as Fenris had feared. He threw some side glances when he realized that he had made a mistake, but Anders just nodded encouragingly and smiled, so the warrior continued._

_Finally Anders took over again, but now and then he let Fenris read some of the easier parts._

 

He shook his head to shoo away the memories. _~He betrayed me. He threw everything away! What was doesn't matter anymore!~_ He reminded himself and forced himself to think of all their worst moments, to awaken the hate again. It was getting harder and harder to remember his anger.

 

~~~

 

It was winter again, now nearly two years since he had left Kirkwall, and Fenris wished he would have stayed in Antiva. Snow may look really beautiful but it was damn cold and he HATED the cold!

He struggled through the snow towards a village that he could make out in the distant. The snow reached him almost to the knees and the wind blowing into his face took his view.

When he finally reached the village and found an Inn, his lips were blue and his bare feet numb and full of frostbite. The warrior was just glad that elven feet were much more resistant than human feets and would heal soon. He booked a room, ordered a warm meal and brought his things to his room. He nearly dropped his bag, when a big sneeze shook him. _~Oh no~_

The warrior just felt that the flu he was fighting, would hit him soon.

After eating and much sneezing he decided to go to buy some things he remembered from his last bout of the t flu would help him feel better. When Fenris came back he went straight to bed.

 

In the morning he felt hot from fever, his nose was blocked and he shivered. Fenris reached for one of the 6 vials of greenish fluid he had bought and drank it. Then he took the pot with some salve and creamed his chest, to help him breath better. Tired again he went back to sleep, dreaming of the last time he was sick:

 

(2y2 b.ch.b.u.)

 

_Fenris didn't remember the last time he was sick. All he knew was that he felt miserable. He couldn't breathe properly, his nose was either running or blocked, his chest felt tight, he had fever and felt so damn weak!_

_And it seemed his ears also weren't working right, because Anders sudden appearance caught him off guard. "Why are you here?" Fenris voice was too rough and weak to sound as cold as he wanted while he was trying to get up._

_Anders was by his side before the elf even managed to sit up and pushed him back on his bed. "Hawke told me you are sick."_

_"I do not need healing, it will get better on its own" He pushed Anders' hands aside, then he moved to one side coughing violently._

_The healer waited till Fenris laid still again. "Honestly flu’s only can be tended but not healed. I don't know why though. – I am going to check you for fever, I need to touch your forehead with my hand." It said much about the state of the warrior that he didn't protest any further. Carefully the blonde turned him on his back and laid his hand on Fenris' hot forehead. "You’re burning up", he mumbled then he spoke a little louder "Look into my eyes" Anders noticed that the pupils were a somewhat wide and the eyes shadowed. For a moment Anders’ gaze flickered to Fenris' lips noticing that they were cracked and slightly open. He moved out of sight and continued his examination. After that Anders stepped away from his patient and took his bag. He took a cup, a towel, a potion and a salve out of his bag. "I will cast two little spells" Anders warned, before he filled the cup with ice and then melded it with a heat spell. After that the blonde wet the towel and came back to Fenris side. Carefully he washed away the sweat from the warrior's face._

_Honestly in that moment nothing could have felt better than those caring hands on his face and the cool towel, so Fenris closed his eyes and turned his face into it. But much too soon Anders finished the cleaning. He opened his eyes again and watched the healer while he got the potion and the salve._

_"This potion will help restore some of your strength but that doesn't mean that you should_ _walk around much do you understand?" He waited till the warrior nodded before he gave him the vial with the greenish fluid. Then he gave him the little jar with the salve. "Apply this on your chest, it will ease your breathing", Anders explained, "I need to go now but I’ll come back tomorrow."_

_The next three days, Anders came every day roughly the same time with soup and more potions and salves. He stayed to make sure that Fenris ate the soups and took the potions, then he left before the elf started to apply the salve on his chest by himself._

_The warrior wouldn't admit it but after the first awkwardness he enjoyed Anders' presence. Normally he appreciated the loneliness of his mansion and he sure as hell didn't like others to see him weak, but somehow the healer's presence was soothing. When Anders turned to go on the forth day, Fenris spoke up. "You need a break, stay."_

_The seemingly surprised mage turned back. "You... want me to stay?"_

_Fenris kept his face carefully blank. "Your presence does not bother me."_

_Anders stared at him then he shook his head. "My patients need me. There is a flu epidemic in the city. Even Hawke caught it yesterday, but Bodahn takes care of him."_

_"You are of no use to anyone if you overwork yourself. But do as you see fit."_

_Anders seemed torn as to what he should do now, but finally he said. "You are right. A little break will not hurt." He yawned then settled himself on the floor in front of the bed and leaned his back to it._

_"You know you could also take a chair from over there..."_

_"Nah I'm fine."_

_After that, Anders always remained between half an hour to an hour at Fenris mansion after tending him. They mostly did not speak as Anders dozed in front of Fenris’ bed, leaving him wondering why the healer refused to take a chair._

 

Every time Fenris woke up, he thought for a moment that he would find Anders by his side with some soup or water or a wet towel. But each time it was a disappointment when he realized that this was not the case. Each time when he struggled to get up to get something or to order food, he longed for the caring hands and the soft smile of his healer. Completely exhausted he did not have the strength to rise up in his hatred, so was all that was left his longing and loneliness.

 

~~~

 

While recovering from the flu, a new letter from Varric arrived. It told him that the circles had started to revolt and that there were still rumors about an apostate gathering more and more people. There was also a warning that Sebastian had began the search for Anders.

Due to a heavy snowstorm Fenris was forced to stay in the village even after he was healthy again. So he nestled in his rented room between the covers, drank warm wine and thought about the news and what that meant for Anders. The warrior felt restless and concerned. When ever he didn't try to recall his anger because of the betrayal, his thoughts slipped to his former lover and good memories bubbled up.

The memory closest to his heart was their first kiss.

 

(1y7 b.ch.b.u.)

_They sat together for another reading session. The warrior was now confident enough in reading that they began to read sections alternately. They sat closely, their shoulders and legs touching while both of them held the book with one hand._

_Fenris finished his first paragraph without any mistakes or pauses._

_"That was perfect, Fenris" Anders smiled happily and gazed proudly at the elf._

_The warrior turned with a sly grin, which faded away when he saw that Anders suddenly looked at him as if the healer had seen him for the first time._

_For a moment Anders just stared at Fenris, their faces very close. Without thinking the healer leaned even closer and kissed him. Tenderly the healer pressed their lips together, moving slowly savouring the slightly rough lips. When the other didn't return the kiss, Anders retreated with an apology dying on his lips. Fenris’ ears had dropped, his eyes were wide, glassy and almost as if he wasn’t even there. "Fenris...?"_

_The elf blinked a few times, bringing himself out of his reverie . His gaze averted while the fingers of his right hand brushed over his lips. He looked up again. "You truly like me, do you not?” Fenris’ voice was low full of awe and disbelief. He never had never been kissed before. Slaves were never kissed, they just were used. A kiss showed affection, attraction and maybe love, all things you show towards an equal but never towards a lesser being._

_Anders was clearly confused at the odd reaction of a simple kiss. "I... yes I do. Are you all right? I know I should have asked first, but..."_

_"Can... can you do it again?" the warrior interrupted with a shy blush._

_Anders hesitated for only a moment, before he leaned in again. This time Fenris responded to the kiss, pressing his lips firmly against the others. Anders’ left hand wandered at the back of Fenris' head, pulling him closer, whilst his right hand caressed the elfs cheek. They parted again for a second before kissing more. First the healer took the lead and slowly showed Fenris how kissing worked, but soon the elf took over. Neither of them noticed how the book slipped from their lap and fell with a little "thump" sound on the ground._

 

It never failed to fill his heart with warmth and yearning, as such it was the memory he kept hidden deepest. But after two weeks being too weak to keep up his protective walls against these feelings for Anders, the feeling slipped through his defenses. Fenris stared sadly out of the window into the cold white world, hoping that it would be warmer soon so he could hit the road again.

 

~~~

 

By the time the snow started to melt, Fenris had been stuck in the village for two months. He was glad the snow had began to melt not only because of his restlessness, but also because he was running out of coin. .

So as soon as it was safe to travel again he was up and away.


	3. Chapter 3

Several weeks later Fenris stayed at a tavern in a city near the Vimmark Mountains. Drinking some cheap wine and eating stew with bread he sat in a darker corner of the room, where he could see the whole room and the door. So far it was a quiet day and he watched, as relaxed as he could be with unknown people surrounding him, the other guests. Reading people without problems, Fenris knew exactly who would be a troublemaker after drinking too much and who would be just a harmless guest.

 

He had nearly finished his stew when a new guest arrived. The warrior wouldn't have regarded him much, if it hadn’t been for the fact that the man was too wealthy for this tavern. Interested, Fenris watched as he drew attention to himself by pulling a chair and step on it.

 

"Hello Serahs, I'm Skylar Arford a farmer with some land and I'm searching for mercenaries. There are trespassers on my land who steal from my barns. I need you to expel them. I'll pay well. Who is with me?"

 

Fenris didn't need to think twice, he could really need some coin so he stood up and went to the man. "I am." Soon six more men stepped forward.

Arford nodded in satisfaction. "I will come back tomorrow when the sun rises and show you my lands."

 

Fenris nodded and went back to his table. The prospect of making money let him make the decision to spend some more of his few coins for wine.

 

~~

 

The next morning was cloudy. While waiting for the farmer to come pick him and the others up, Fenris stared into the sky ~It will definitely rain later. I hope we can expel those trespassers before it does, I would prefer to stay dry...~ The spring so far had contained more rainy days than sunny ones. Then he watched the men he would work with. All except one were human. The sixth was a dwarf warrior with a big axe. Two of the humans were rogues, the others were warriors all equipped with swords and small shields. Fenris couldn't hide a grin when he noticed that, despite being smaller and much leaner, he carried the biggest sword of them all. He also noticed their bewildered and suspicious glances at precisely that sword. Which just make him grin wider and darker. ~Humans and their fixation of big swords and how to handle them never fails to amuse me~

 

Finally Arford arrived with a wagon which was normally used to transport hay bales. The mercenaries and Fenris sat in the back, then they were on the road. Half an hour later they arrived at the farmhouse. In the rather big kitchen Arford showed them a map of his lands. "I don't know where exactly the trespassers are hiding, but this is the barn they have stolen from", he pointed on the map, "and right there is my little forest, I think they may be hiding in there or maybe in the foothills of the mountains here where my vines fields are. Just get rid of them, I don't care how."

 

They decided to start with the forest since it seems most likely that they would hide there. Back outside Fenris glanced up to the sky. The clouds had become dark with the promise of rain soon.

Together they walked to the forest and started their search. One and a half hours passed before Fenris heard something.

 

He paused and made a signal for the other mercenaries to stop whilst he listened. Since he was the only elf in the group, everyone respected his hearing skills. After the warrior was sure that he didn't imagin the sound of hushed voices, he signalled both of their rogues to investigate the situation as they had agreed to do.

Several minutes later the rogues came back. "There are a group of people, approximately ten or eleven, humans and elves, mostly men and some women. Everyone has a large stick as weapon."

Fenris frowned. "Sticks? Are you sure? Or is it possible that these are staffs?"

Both of the rogues looked at him as if he was crazy. "Why would so many people have staffs?"

Now it was Fenris who looked at them in disbelief. "They could possibly be mages!"

One of the warriors chuckled. "Yeah because so many mages are walking free. No they are definitely sticks. Mages are safely locked up in the circles."

The elf blinked. He eyed every one of them and concluded that they were really that simple and naive. "Never heard of apostates?"

"Not in these large numbers..."

Fenris sighed.

"Why are we still discussing this? We are here to kill those trespassers, no matter who or what they are." The dwarf got restless.

 

"All right, just do not be surprised by any fireballs thrown at you" Fenris added and moved forward. ~They will surely all die if they really think that those people just are ordinary people... Maker I hope there ARE just ordinary people with sticks...~ The elf warrior went behind a tree for cover and watched a group of people with some tents and a little fire in a clearing. Just one glance told him that indeed they were a group of mages. Fenris just wanted to attack like the other mercenaries did, but then a known voice made him stop and stay hidden behind the tree.

 

A man stood up and yelled a warning when he saw the warriors run towards his group. He stood tall, tamed long blonde hair in a messy ponytail, feathers on his cloak and wielding a staff, throwing a barrier over himself and the newest fellow mages, who hurried for a defense line.

 

Even in this twilight caused by the dark clouds Fenris knew who stood there. ~Anders~ He lowered his drawn sword, his eyes widened in surprise, his aching heart remembered the moment they decided to start a romantic relationship.

 

(1y6 b.ch.b.u.)

 

_Now, every reading session ended with them kissing each other. They had also moved their reading place from the fireplace to Fenris’ bed._

_They were cuddling and slowly kissing when Anders finally pulled away. Lovingly, he caressed Fenris' cheek while watching him. He chuckled a little because the sensitive skin around the lips of the elf were red because of Anders' beard stubble. "Fenris... what are we?"_

_"Human and elf. Mage and warrior." The warrior patted the healer's chest before he started to play with his hair. He really loved to do that. It was even softer than the feathers Anders was always wearing._

_"Very observant of you" He stuck out his tongue. "No I mean... I think it's safe to say we are friends now. But... friends don't kiss like we do. So..." He paused and looked at Fenris questioningly._

_Fenris turned on his back and stared thoughtfully at the ceiling. After some time he spoke. "What do you want?"_

_"It is your choice, I asked you first."_

_The elf turned his face at him with a scowl, but Anders just looked at him expectantly. So Fenris sighed and stared again at the ceiling, pondering. "I do not want to stop this... but do you think it can work? You and me? Together?"_

_"I know we still don't see eye to eye when it comes to mages and mage rights but... You accepted me. And maybe we will someday see things in the same light... What I want to say is, that I hope we can make it work. I really, really like you and want to be by your side."_

_Fenris turned to him, gently stroked the healer's cheek, a soft half grin on his lips. "So it begins" he leaned in and kissed him._

 

Fenris blinked and came back to the here and now.

 

Although the mercenaries were surprised to be indeed confronted with mages, they recovered soon and showed that they were good fighters. Also they were well rested and fed unlike the obvious malnourished and surprised mages.

Fenris noticed one of the rogues sneaking up behind his mages. Without a second thought Fenris activated his markings and became the feared lyrium ghost. With his enhanced speed he was there in time to bring his sword between the double daggers. His former companion stared at him irritated while the elf heard Anders turn around and gasp behind him. With a quick push, Fenris took his opponent off balance and with a fluent movement he beheaded him. Covered in blood he turned to look at Anders who still stared at him in disbelief. It felt like an eternity even though it was only a few seconds that they stood staring at each other.

 

In the distance thunder rumbled, nearby were fighting sounds but for a moment neither of them heard anything except their own heartbeats.

 

But then the moment passed, Fenris nodded and threw himself back into the fight. He tried to dodge the magic on him targeted since other mages didn't realise that he hadn’t attacked them. Most of the mercenaries were killed anyway so the battle didn't last long.

 

"STOP!", Anders cried out, throwing an barrier over the elf when the last mercenary died and the other mages targeted Fenris. Slowly they all stopped, staring at their leader. "He is no threat, I know him." Anders glanced at the blood covered warrior, who still glowed. Holding his gaze the healer continued. "It seems like we are no longer safe here. Charley take the lead and move on. I will catch up later..."

 

"You are sure?" A short man with red curly hair looked at him doubtfully.

 

"Yeah we need to clarify something in private."

 

The first raindrops started to fall when they were finally alone. They stood approximately three meters away, watching each other silently, both still with their weapons in their hands, eyeing each other warily.

 

Eventually Fenris stopped glowing. Now it was quite dark thanks to the rainclouds, but they could still see each other.

 

With the threat gone now, Anders dared to speak. "So are you here to kill me now?" The words spoken over two years before still hung between them, as if they were spoken yesterday.

 

"No" just one word, one syllable, but much of the tension between them disappeared. A gentle drizzle started.

 

Anders leaned heavily on his staff. "You know, you were right back then. You were right all along. One week ago I got the news that the circle in Ostwick was annulled. They killed everyone, even the tranquil! My old circle as fallen to demons... again. The other circle started an open rebellion..." He run his free hand across his face and through his wet hair, chuckling without any humour but still keeping his eyes warily on Fenris.

"But you know what? Even knowing that everything is on me, all those lives... The most important reason why I wish I had never had blown up that damned chantry is you! Losing you... I'm such a selfish man..." He dropped his hand. "Every damn night my last thought was of you, every lonely morning my first thought was of you. I wish... I wish I could have you back... I know aft.."

"You can"

"...ter all... what?"

Fenris straighted his back. The thunder was now louder and more insistant. Lightening lit the twilight for a moment. The elf waited till the thunder followed, before he repeated "You can have me back." His voice was determined and genuine.

 

Anders gaped at him, then a smile brightened his tired face. His staff fell to the ground, when he stepped first slowly then faster towards his lover, who also let fell his sword to catch him. Laughter bubbled up from Anders when Fenris used his momentum to swing him one round. Anders pressed his forehead against Fenris', enjoying the feeling of being held close and safe with those strong arms he had missed so badly.

The warrior inhaled the wet smell of Anders' hair, his feathers and the always present elfroot. They stayed in this position for some time, just savouring the feeling to be near each other again.

 

Fenris chose the moment when the healer finally went to kiss his lover, to put him down to stand on his own.

 

Anders blinked confused before he tried to part, but the elf carefully held with his left hand Ander's right and bent down to pick up his sword and move on to secure his back. "Let us go somewhere dry." He offered his healer a small smile and let him lead them

.

The mage nodded, still feeling numb because of the denied kiss. "I know just the right place." He picked up his staff and then leaded them to the mountains, still holding hands.

 

45 minutes later the blonde lead his lover into a small cave where he had hid before and had left some of his things and dry wood. They finally parted and Anders prepared a fire.

Meanwhile Fenris was busying himself by removing his Armor. His markings flickered slightly when Anders used his magic to start the fire.

 

They were glancing at each other "Yeah I'm still a mage" he stated defensively.

 

Fenris held his gaze while now started to unbutton his tunic. "I accepted that a long time ago." His voice was soft but sincere. "You should undress before you catch a cold. Do you have blankets and a towel? Mine are wet..."

 

Anders blushed and nodded hastily. He turned around to search the items. He laid one blanket in front of the fire, another he laid there still folded. Lastly he placed a towel, before he stood up and started to undress and lay out his clothes to dry. When Anders finished everything, he turned around to the blankets to find a naked Fenris already sitting there. Curious he let his gaze wander, frowning to find some new scars there which he could have maybe prevented if he had been with his lover.

 

Fenris also watched his love carefully. He didn't like how bony the blonde had gotten since they last met. He had some new scars too. The warrior opened his arms .

 

The blonde hesitated a moment before he sat down and was embraced by cold arms. ~We really need to warm up again...~

Fenris took the second blanket and wrapped them both with it. Then he picked up the towel and dried Anders' hair.

Anders smiled and closed his eyes. Those strong fingers on his head felt wonderful soothing and warming. After his hair was dry he took the towel to return the favor. Carefully making sure not to irritate the sensitive ears. Then he dropped the towel.

 

Now Fenris reached out to Anders' neck and pulled him close to finally kiss him. It felt like their first kiss, tender, unsure and sweet.

 

So when they parted again, Anders found the same exact expression of grateful awe on Fenris face as it was by their first kiss. Again Fenris' ears had dropped a bit and his pupils were wide when he opened his eyes.

"Just as I remembered but also so much better" the elf’s voice was deep with emotions. He closed his eyes and pressed their foreheads together, breathing in Anders' smell. "I am yours. Now and forever."

 

The mage's heart skipped a beat, he breathed in shakily, tears beginning to fall . "Fen... I am so sorry for everything, please..."

 

A finger on his lips stopped his nest words. Fenris had opened his eyes again, soft and hurt but so loving "Hush not now. Now we celebrate. " He exchanged his finger with his lips, kissing Anders softly. "Are... you mine too?"

 

"Till the end of time"

 

The warrior smiled, pushing his lover down while kissing him. Anders opened his legs to accommodate Fenris. It was almost like no time has passed since Kirkwall. He enjoyed how the elf discovered all his sensitive spots like it was their first time. But since both of them had never touched another person since they parted, their coupling was brief , hurried and urgent.. Afterwards Fenris laid flush against Anders. "Could you...?"

 

"Yes my love", Anders smiled when he used a cleaning spell on them. For a brief moment the lyrium markings flared.

 

They laid together, kissing and caressing each other lazily. Both thinking of the time that had passed. They knew it would take a long time to return to how they were. There was a lot of issues still unresolved between them, a lot of things they needed to adress. But they would work through them together.

 

Fenris put more effort into his caresses till he had aroused them both once again.

Slightly chuckling, Anders opened his legs and let his lover slip between again, moaning when Fenris filled him once more. But then he yelped in surprise when Fenris suddenly turned them around. Now on top he leaned on his forearms and stared down at his lover. When they were in Kirkwall, Fenris made sure that everything they did was always consensual, but he never gave up any of the control in bed.

 

"Are you sure you want me here?"

 

Fenris’ heart beat fast, bothe excited and tentative of the new position but he nodded.

 

"This time... we need to see eye to eye. No hiding, no control. Equals." His voice was only a wisper but sincere. He breathed deep and then put his arms over his head.

 

Anders eyed the movement, then looked his lover in the eyes again. The healer planted soft kisses on his lips, his cheeks and his forehead then Anders straightened up. He moaned as Fenris' cock went even deeper.

 

"Maker yes!" He rolled his hips, enjoying how it hit his sweet spot. He stopped again, looking down at Fenris who glanced up to him with lust and slightly unsure. Anders held the gaze while carefully placing his hands on the wrists of the former slave. "I will stop when ever you want..."

 

"I... I know."

 

After they laid together this time it was Fenris holding Anders after the mage used the cleaning spell.

 

"Are you alright, love?"

 

"Yes amatus." Fenris kissed his temple. At first it had been a bit frightening and he’d felt more than a little panicked to be held down whilst Anders had rode him. But after a while, when the panic receded and the sensation of the mage moving deliciously in all the right ways, Fenris relaxed and had to admit that seeing Anders like that had been unbelievably sexy. The way Anders had moved on him... The image alone made him purr and long to do it again. Fenris had the feeling that they were on the right path , and this was at least one really enjoyable way to regain some of their lost trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all my reader who might think leaving comments/kudos on my storys would be weird/creepy/stalking be assured it is not but really appreciated! I love to know if you liked what I write and also if you find errors you want to tell me, just do :3 Every comment/kudo is awesome!


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